Well its been 49 weeks since I last updated this. A lot has changed since then. Recently There have been a few ups and a few disappointments. A lot has been weighting my mind down lately. I want to find somebody to be an anchor in my life. Somebody that is a constant. I do see the silver lining though and it comes in many forms.

So I sign into my ever so trusty time killer facebook and I have a friend request. I quickly look it over and think its this girl i worked with a few years ago... No its this other girl I dated when i was in like grade 11 or something... I havent even talked to her since... that was like 8 years ago... I am seriously weirded out right now.

I constantly find myself wondering what the hell I am doing. I am in a place I don't like working with a bunch of people that not matter how hard I try I will never understand. Back 'home' in Toronto I have the best friends anybody could as for, there is this beautiful girl who sees me for who I am and likes me that way(well i am pretty sure at least) and despite the complications and the million or so things that are probably wrong with it, I feel the same way. All I have here is an endless supply of snow.

I came here with a purpose. The cliche 5 year plan. To come back 'home' and be in that place to settle down. The more time I spend here the more I realize how attainable that goal is, but the harder it is to stay here.

I miss the stupid shit Dustin and I would do, like Go Carting. Long walks with a sweet girl who can leave me smiling for days.

Part of me even wants to say fuck it all and move back. Part of me want to move to NB to be close to my family. But you know what. No matter what I say, no matter how much I want to see this place go down in flames. I am going to stay.

Sure it would be nice to have that girl come out here to make it more bearable. Having Dustin here would be a blessing. But I won't hold my breath because this bitter old hack has just accepted his place. Sitting here at keyboard wondering would I get the girl if i moved back. Would I continue my path of destruction with Dustin. Would I get off my ass and play in another band.

I'm here for the long haul. I have my Hunter S Thompson book in one hand and a can of Fresca in the other.




addition to my myspace/facebook post for people who still use LJ and don't suck

I have had this awesome person in my life as a friend for some time. There has always been underlying feelings there but I never wanted to admit it for one reason or another. Now that I can admit it to myself I am off on the other side of the country.  She is somebody who sees me for who I am. Somebody who wouldn't ever want me to change. She is smart, kind, caring, and has this beautiful smile I can't get enough of. With her I couldn't ask for anything else. I would never want her to change who she is. She has grown so much as a person and I would love to see her continue down this path. No thats not me wanting her to change. Everybody changes and grows and I want her to continue to grow and not wither away. But I don't think thats a problem because I think she doesn't want to stop growing as a person, which is one of the things I adore so much. I can't wait to see her again. I haven't thought this way about somebody in a long time. Longer then I care to remember. I'll shut up now

back once again with an update from hell
So i crashed at a friends last night. painful. FUCK dorm rooms. My entire body is sore cause of this "bright" idea.
Joey talked me into tanning today. He paid. 12 minutes on a setting i think they call deep fry human. I thought i was going to burn bad on my shoulders but they arent red at all anymore. I am noticalbly darker. WOOHOO. No more pasty white for me. I just smell like fried human now.
Dirty Bs tonight at the Qbar. Pictures? I THINK SO.

I finally finished both rolls of IR film i had. What made me think one in each camera was a good idea is really beyond me. An experiment usually should have a control. Lets face it. I never had any control. It's been entirely absent from my life for some time.

i kinda think i forgot this thing existed.
Lets face it there are only 2 or 3 people on here that I need to read their journals anyways. They are people who are dear to me and i seldom have a chance to talk to.
I tend to forgot to write in here for those exact same people.

GAH i am sooo busy with shit

http://photobucket.com/albums/c322/xjuddx/
thats some of my photography recently

So this past week or so has been pretty intense.

I've been to soo many shows its nuts. Agnostic front, Dirty BS, Bad Religion.

Agnostic Front was pretty bad. TKD opened and played a good set but i spent most of it fighting with camera equipment and dying batteries. Laxton and I went for a walk and got some foood after then came back for Brass Knuckle Therapy.... Psycho Dave's band... hells angels what? It was basically good biker metal with a really bad vibe at the show cause of bikers. AF played a pretty uneventful set dampered by the same things as BKT. After that Laxton, Johnny, Ewan and I went to dees and grabbed some food. This was the hilight of the night

The entire day surrounding the Dirty BS show was just fucking weird. We left early to go downtown to shop. My Fred Perry jacket was still wet from washing it and all my sweaters were dirty so I went out in a tshirt. We ran into a few of dans friends at goodfoot. I almost bought MORE shoes... I think i am retarded. After that we went to BO and got some food. I know I am not vegan and havent been for some time but this place is actually one of my fav restaurants. At this point it was getting a little cold out so we made it down to Queen street to find me a sweater. I ended up buying a jacket. It was a very nice CAMO jacket. I am convinced this jacket is the best purchase of my life. More on its awesomeness to come. Dan and I then went to Adrift and waited for the show to start. We were chillin outside and this girl walks by and dan was like "shes cute" to which I replied ya man she is fuckin cute" His reply was classic. "Race Traitor". Those of you who havent picked up on my dating pattern its been fairly asian the past few years and this girl was white. So a few minutes later she comes back outside and sits by herself eating some food. She looks over to me and says hi... i reply but it stops short there... dan and i just sort of shrug it off. a bit of time passes and then she is like "this is the second time I've seen you today" I was midly creeped out by this comment but it opened up a good conversation. Apperantly we'd gone into where she works in my sweater hunt before i got the jacket. Our conversation led to shoes and goodfoot so i got her # to bring her the next day. After a bit joey got there and we went to get his truck from kyles. we got back just in time for Dirty BS where him and I both took a ton of pics. One of mine is being used in the dirty BS 7" which is awesome. After they played joey and I took off to philty mcnasty's. Woah... too many jocks for my liking. But Kyle was there. We chilled for a bit got some food. Lots of funny shit went on.

Tuesday was Bad religion. The whole day was just flat out fucked. It was pissing rain. Dustin was late making it down but then it all came together. We made it there just before protest the hero finished. I wish we got there 10 minutes later. Right after we walked in Sloove walked by. It was good to finally meet her. Too bad we couldnt chat longer. So Protest the Hero are actually the worst band I've seen on a major stage EVER. The singer also managed to take his pants off for the last song. Antiflag played 2 songs well... otherwise they were actually a waste of life. I loved seening them before and this was just fucking BAD. Bad Religion were amazing. It was good to see them again. We went to piccadilys after for food cause dees was packed... some punks were trying to stiff on a 4.50$ bill it was pretty bad. but really funny.

Wednesday Ivan and I went to a retail Xmas party for the "mall" we work in. This was just bad news all around. maybe 12 people there under the age of 9 million. So Ivan got a bear and I got iced tea. The waitress couldnt believe i dont drink. But all night when she saw me with no drink went and got me an iced tea. The other waitressess there were useless for the most part. So one of the hairdressers from the salon near us came by and started hitting on me... Ivan couldnt get enough of it. He was laughing so hard. When we were leaving the i put on the camo jacket and a girl is like "OMG that jacket is amazing. it matches my pants" and just starts chatting me up... Ivan is actually speachless at this point. He cant believe 2 girls in one night at a mall function.

Thursday was laundry day

Friday we went to Kabin for Kyles Birthday. WOAH good times... so many people drunk. SOOO many underage girls with fake ID's hitting on us trying to get us to buy them drinks thinking we are filthy rich. When they find out we arent they take off. The CUTEST bartenders I've seen in a long time started giving me free drinks by the end of the night(yes non-alcoholic) she was really cute and definatly genuinly hitting on me. But I really wasnt in the mood for that kinda stuff by the time this came around. Kindersluts definatly killed the mood for me.

the long awaited, very elusive UPDATE FROM JUDD

So new band = BETTER THEN YOUR LIFE
more to come on that soon enough

New camera gear = AMAZING

so stoked on everything right now

http://photobucket.com/albums/c322/xjuddx/

go there

laugh, cry, enjoy... whatever it is you do to pictures these days

so i jammed with some sweet dudes yesterday. For the sake of being discret i wont name drop. In the process of getting there dustins car door was broken. While playing my (dustins) amp shuts off. Turns out the power chord is broken. Definatly not the same type of cable they use now. So its fix it or try and find a new one. So finally we get the amp to start working again. Then POW i break a guitar string... all in a 2 hour period.

anyways i am off

so as i thought my moment of weakness has subsided. i stil lhave forgiven her but i am not reminicing of what once was. Yes my spelling sucks.

I am currently reading American Hardcore thanks to Canice. Thank you. this book is seriously amazing. I am reading it at work on my lunch instead of eating. How fucked is that. something came between me and my almight food.

Landlord sketched out AGAIN on coming to pick up the rent. When is he actually going to show up.

I know I am going to get shit for quoting judge but it completly sums up the way I feel right now. I have finally come to terms with issues I had. I finally found it in my heart to forgive. I turned away from something great because I couldn't deal with their actions. The repercussions were inevitable. It's taken me 9 months to accept it. For those who know what I was so bent out of shape about might find this time frame oddly shocking. But I've taken down my walls to an empty field. There is nobody there to meet my embrace. Despite my words here I am ok with everything. I am just in one of those "what if" moments. I just wish I could tell her its not because I didn't love her anymore. Because I still do.

If only I could put into words
The way I feel
Telling myself the situation's not real
Lost and sometimes I feel
I have nowhere to go
Because you tell me it's wrong
To let my feelings show
I've Lost My Place To turn
I know I fucked it up
I turned away
One too many times
Suffered from an ego trip
That left me fucking blind
Friends are telling me
The loneliness will go away
But the memories will be there
As long as
The ink in my fingers stays
I choose to stay away
Because I want to keep control
My head is thinking straight
But my heart says explode
The thought of someone else
Is much too much
And friendship means
You're just beyond my touch

I am sitting here listening to judge. I think I need to get out and go for a walk or something. Anybody who wants to try to catch me just call my cell.

Date:	2005-09-10 22:54
Subject:	Hatchback
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	knife fight

Straight up. Are people fucking retarded. Why would you go pick somebody up. go out to coffee with them. make plans for a second date... then cancel it because "my boyfriend is coming over". WTF you dont pick people up if you are dating. You dont make a second date if you have a boyfriend. You definatly should also make it known well before hand you are dating somebody. Secondly girls who give fake #'s are retarded. What is wrong with you. especially if you are a friend of a friend. For fucks sake like that wont come back to haunt you. Irony in this. i was like "wow this is obviously a fake # you are giving me" and she re assured me it wasnt. Funny thing... i just wanted to go to the toronto symphony orcastra and she could get tickets cheep. i wasnt hitting on her. she was cute and nice... but its a friend of a friend... i just thought it would be fun to go and not have to pay a million dollars. And she suggested we go together. Know who is a decent girl Ming. I met her on the streetcar. We had an amazing conversation. We got along great. there was a noticable connection. She knew it. i knew it so i thought I would take it to the next level and ask for her #... She kindly pointed out she had a bf and she didnt think it was a good idea. Very respectable. Even if was a lie. Which it wasnt because she was meeting him when she got off the street car. But i left it open and she knows where she can find me if she wants even as friends. She also was trying to talk me into taking the streetcar more so she can have somebody to talk to... hmmm who knows... it is getting colder to the AC on the subway is losin its appeal.

Tattoos are amazing. i am thinking i am getting a chest piece drawn up this week. or at least very soon. all the ideas are layed out and it will be amazing. a great way to celebrate 24 years on this planet.

I've been edge for 9 years. how amazing is that. thanks too all the people who have stood by my side and respected my choice... no its 9 years today but its just a thought and i wanted to say thank you

i am finally getting a weekend away next weekend. joey and i and maybe a few others are going to montreal to check out rightious jams. good times will be had by all.

anybody who knows me knows i am a pack rat. i kepp everything. Well that ends today. i started cleaning out my shit. I still have letters people wrote me 13 years ago. Ya thats right i have a letter from when i was 10. So a lot of shit got shown its way into a green garbage bag. i only went through 3 drawers so far too.

fuck ya. I'm a crazy ass dark side light saber swingin mofo

so as usual i take it upon myself to offer to help somebody out and take on way too much for my own good. its all good though. i learned a lesson. the lesson. I need more power tools before i help people out.

i fell asleep at like 8:30 or something last night... i really dont know... i woke up briefly to go to the washroom at 11:30 fully clothed and really disoriented. SHH no jokes guys.

i got a postcard in the mail yesterday. i like those. especially ones from awesome friends in europe who talk you into being a bridesmaid at their wedding next year, and no thats not complaining. i am proud to be part of her wedding. thats right and you heard it here first.

So this weekend should be pretty good.
I am looking forward to just about all of it except laundry.

I've been thinking a lot the past few weeks about my next tattoo. I like the idea Alan gave me a while ago about finishing my leg off but i just cant get the idea i want exactly right yet. I hate leaving things unfinished but I have a few other ideas that have been sitting on the back burner because of it. Sadly the past 2 weeks have added 2 more ideas to the pot. 1 of which is already to go. 3 more are just getting finishing touches to the design and then there is the leg. So do i wait for to finish my leg or move on?

I do not in any way condone wars, especially more recent ones. But there are times that it comes down to it, like the first and second world wars. I don't know how people can turn their back on this heratige. As a canadian you should be proud of where you're from and your past. I'm not dictating to people to go out and buy a flag. I'm not saying learn every detail about our roll as a country. But please have enough fucking respect to not desecrate our memories or it. Our monuments to the past. As a country we lack patriotism. Fine. I am not the most patriotic either. I'm not going to go off on this anymore. Some things just make my skin crawl.

I suck at typing

the website was www.caniceleung.com I like to add letters randomly here and there throughout words.
I'm awesome

So today I found out that I am genetically inferior. I can just hear some of you now... WTF is Judd talking about this time. Did he break edge? HAHA nope I am serious. Still edge, still just as sane, or insane as always. So apperantly I am colour deficiant in green and red. Is that some sort of PC way of calling me colour blind... Am I really colour blind if its only part of 2 colours... Will more people other then John call me a mutant compared to you "normies"

Gan, dont worry about me. I am good. Just pick up your phone babe. You will laugh when I tell you some of the things I have to say. Things way to funny to be posting on here. Especially if you get me going and ya... You know how i get... All crazy.

So the BBQ saturday is definatly a go for pre comeback kid good times. Paul decided we need to convert this once from steaks to chicken though. No idea how i feel about this.

Operation Take what I learned at Musclemag is going into full effect next week. Since I live by the beech I have deemed it very much in my best interest to take advantage of that this summer.

I've completely filled my second spiral binder of random writings. I think i am going to sit down and start to compile something mildly more useful out of some of it. Maybe even post some of it. or make the ever so popular and dreaded website. Which reminds me check out my friends site www.caninceleung.com some SWEET ass photograhy.

restitution is in order
credit should be given where its due
it should be made very clear
certain lines shouldnt be crossed
certain people deserve respect
i fail to see how you are one of them

at this point everybody is wonder
what the fuck
who the fuck
really
its not just one person
everything is torn from different people
no one solution
no single pointing finger
but no problem to big to look past
at least not for me

So when it all comes down to it
just let it be water off your back
the result works


so the past 2 weekends have been semi BBQ's at my place.
Who would be interested in a pre terror/comeback kid BBQ at my place.
reply or email me if interested

Date:	2005-05-10 23:20
Subject:	needles and pins
Security:	Public
Mood:	mischievous
Music:	Drug Test - down the stairs

so tonight everything came crashing down
everything I've worked for
all the barriers I've surpased over the years
I froze
absolutly unable to to progress
why
I dont know
I havent felt this way since before Alan joined engage
Wow that must've been 6 years ago now.
Progression through unlearning I guess
my day just ended at 3:45
well i wish it did at least
I've got pictures to prove otherwise
unless they didnt really happen
hmm twilight zone anybody
wouldnt it be awesome that if your day sucked you could just end your day the and skip over until the next morning to for go anymore suck.
I'm going through quotes in my head
things people have said
things I've said
an accumulation of views of life
seems nothing has changed though
they still hold true
the music i listen to doesnt change much either
20 minutes passed
nothing really changes
but at the same time everything does
if you understand what i am trying to say you know me better then i know myself